She will say nice things to me and I will bask in bliss and bathe in her love.
But that didn't happen and won't happen. Even now, in my long-term adulthood, she has the same reaction to me and my life. I understand that it probably won't be any different for her. But I expected that my husband would understand and it would be easy for him, he would just say nice things to me and notice me and do what I need and fill that empty space in me...
Fortunately, I finally realized that it was my desperate attempt to fix and fill the childhood emptiness. I make relationships work, it seems to me on the contrary, I usually don't fill them, rather I draw attention to those emptinesses and pains, which we can then fill ourselves and then together.
This misfortune of mine troubled me for a long time and a long time. The sentence I had been waiting for my whole life never came. And it's clear why she couldn't, because of that injury, I never allowed myself to be myself. Whenever I tried to do that, the sentence YOU ARE HORRIBLE came to me. This injury controlled my life. I saw my life in black, I couldn't afford to be satisfied, to be happy with what I do, to have happy relationships. I was withdrawn and always waiting for what horrible thing I had done again.
Until now, I felt broken, I need to fix it. I do things wrong...
Try doing things that aren't yours and that you don't have a natural talent for and be TOP at it, you understand that it's hard work, right? It doesn't bring much joy, rather frustration and disappointment and fatigue and exhaustion.
Thanks to inner work and visualization of this situation in my relationship with my husband, an image from my childhood appeared to me, when my mother tells me that I'm horrible. The way I am and who I am - I'm horrible. To her, my naturalness and life and originality were threatening, it evoked rejection and unacceptability in her. For me as a child, it was devastating. It was written into my subconscious as a program and a wound that strongly influenced my life.